i've been having those frequently lately.
the latest was last nite. me in bed. covers over my head. clutching my cell phone as i sobbed.
i did my best to keep it down but last nite was particularly bad.
in an effort not to drudge it up too badly and start me to sobbing here at work i'll do a quick laundry list of the main points in no particular order of importance:
Money. my cell has been ringing more and more lately. debt collectors. i had been doing well but with high gas prices i have not been able to make my regularly scheduled payments. they call me all day everyday. i avoid the phone and rarely check voicemail.
Gas- I ran out of gas money this last time. FI couldn't get me any money in time bc we didnt want to wire it and lose some of the money to fees. so i had to break down and ask my mother for some help. that is something i just do not do. i was afraid that in doing so they would become concerned over my FI ability to take care of me.
Bridesmaids- i had these expectations of what it would be like to have bms. and basically my expectations are not being met. i thought i would have more deep conversations. that they would be there for me to lean on when i was upset, stressed, crazy. that they would try to minimize my stress.
thats not quite what has been happening. at times, a few of them have been the source of some stress. the only bms who seem to be concerned with minimizing my stress are far away. the one bm that lives in the citywhereilive barely communicates. never calls. never checks in. barely emails. when she emails, she is full of excuses of how she is so tired and busy.
i know that i have to speak up to let them know that i am stressed. and i have done that but so far there haven't been any real takers. i want a distraction but none of them can offer me that. then i feel selfish for thinking all of this to begin with.
Car- i am racking about 130 miles on my car a day. i need to get my car serviced. no money to do so.
Invitations- i wanted to get some invites that were on sale for 40% off. but i wont be able to make the sale bc i have no money.
Dog- have to take him to vet which costs money.
FI bday- approaching. its a big one. his 30th and i wanted to be there with him for it. i felt like crap on my bday and didnt want the same for him. it breaks my heart to think that i very well may miss such a momentous occasion and he will be alone for it. a care package just isnt the same.
Financial favor for family- in a nutshell, i am attempting to buy a family member's house so they wont lose it. the application process for that has been strenuous at best. the guy they are working with never contacts me. its been over 2 weeks since i filled out the app and sent it to them and no word or email that the durn thing is at least "in process". i have been holding still not pursuing a non profit organization that will help me get my finances in order for this very reason bc when you are trying to buy a home you aren't supposed to do anything major with your finances. going to the debt organization would majorly change my finances.
i am carrying this burden. the burden that i know my credit is not great and i dont make enough to buy their home. i also know this was a last resort for them. talk about pressure. there is sooo many emotions here. the feeling of responsibility. guilt. too many things to name. i've been thru every scenario in my head and every possibly angle before agreeing to try to do this. i do not need anyone piping up and telling me the consquences, thank you very much.
Credit Score- scared about this bc my great rating is now screwed and i think of trying to get a home in the future and how hard that might be and how we may have to postpone that bc of credit.
Living at home and never having privacy. always someone there. always some noise. can't cook what i want. can't eat what i want.
Weight- stagnant. unchanged. actually it might have crept up a few lbs bc i wore my black pants yesterday and when i pulled them up i noticed that there was less room bw my thigh and the material.
The Big Move- after the wedding. no friends. no job. new husband that works 10-12 hour days. i am afraid that i will be lonely and sad.
Work and the Commute- nuff said.
Wedding Planning- stalled. no money. and i feel overwhelmed with every other thing going on in my life.
sigh.......
